How to Uncover Your Dark Circles

Maybe you were genetically blessed with perfectly smooth, shadow-free undereyes. Or maybe you get 10 hours of sleep a night and drink four liters of water day in and day out. Or maybe you don’t suffer from seasonal allergies that cause the blood to pool under your lower lids like you’re a prizefighter who’s been socked in the face repeatedly. But no matter what the cause of your fresh, awake-looking face, you too can get the appealingly haggard look of someone with chronic insomnia, hayfever, or the medical condition known as “Steve Buscemi eyes.” Read on to find out how.

Get less sleep.
Too much rest is a surefire way to smooth out those pesky bags. Instead, go to bed at 11:30 PM, even though you know you have to get up at 5:45, because Bar Rescue is on and you need to relax, goddammit. For bonus points, contract an intractable chronic cough that rouses you every hour, on the hour, to hack up your esophageal lining.

Drink as little water as possible.
I’m talking, like, “just enough to unglue your tongue from the roof of your mouth.” Like one sip every three hours. Instead, load up on caffeinated and/or alcoholic beverages to drain your skin of any remaining moisture. And if that doesn’t work…

Eat more salt.
Heaping in more sodium into your diet can work miracles to balloon those undereyes out until you look like famed Law & Order actor and erstwhile presidential candidate Fred Thompson. Recommended vehicle: a half-bag of Aldi-brand flax seed tortilla chips and as much Tostitos-brand no-actual-cheese-included salsa con queso before you fall asleep on the couch while watching Bar Rescue. Hey, wait, I mean, don’t sleep! Wake up!

Don’t apply a color-correcting concealer.
I mean, you can try, but you know that your broke ass bought Cheapeaux Maquillage brand with your CVS ExtraBucks® that clusters in salmon-colored splotches and underscores the lines even further, especially which you smile, which is just another reason not to smile!

Don’t use a Vitamin C serum.
You’re going to get it in your eye, and it’s going to sting.

Avoid putting cold spoons on your undereye area.
This is a tip you got from YM, or possibly Seventeen, ironically at the age when you were elastic and well-rested enough to look plumped and dewy even on thirty minutes’ sleep. Anyway, to achieve this you’d need to have enough clean spoons at any given minute to spare two to put in the fridge, so it’s a non-starter in your oatmeal-encrusted world.

Let your allergies ravage your body unchecked.
Your sinuses should be positively swollen with gunk, pressing your eyebags yet further outwards and purpling up an attractive half-moon of discoloration. For extra saggage, rub the pollen out of your eyes with an aggressive knuckle every few minutes.

Get as much sunlight on those lids as possible.
Ha ha ha! This is a joke, because you never go outside anyway.

Avoid lying down with your head elevated.
Just let it sink into the cushions. No, further than that. In fact, just sort of flop off the couch. Just let the blood rush into your head. There’s no point in moving. The dark circles are a part of you now. You may as well just get them microbladed in, like a rich lady does her eyebrows. Besides, Law & Order is on.

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