property brethren: an all-new episode

Brother Drew, a blandly attractive monk with surprisingly good teeth for the year 1423, looks up from scribbling on piece of parchment.

Brother Drew:
Hi, I’m Brother Drew, and I’m here to show this couple that a moldering castle could be their dream manor.

Brother Jonathan, who looks exactly like Brother Drew, but with a slightly longer, hipper tonsure, butts in front of him.

Brother Jonathan:
And I’m Brother Jonathan, and I’m here to upgrade their new place from moat to midden.

Both:
And we are…the Property Brethren!

Brother Drew [holds up the parchment, which says YE OLDE DEEDE]:
Except my job’s more important.

Brother Jonathan:
Oh, but you are mistaken. Isn’t there someone famous who was a carpenter? Oh yeah: our Lord Jesus Christ.

Brother Drew [shrugging]:
He’s got me there.

They chuckle. Cut to an attractive young professional couple of 15 or 16 strolling through a meadow.

Brother Drew or possibly Brother Jonathan [V.O.]:
Let’s meet today’s couple.

Hugh:
Wæs hæl. My name is Hugh, and I’m a junior executive at a horse dealership. And this is my beautiful wife, Aelfgiva.

Aelfgiva:
I’m a stay-at-hut-mom with Hugh Jr. and Katherine.

Hugh:
Yeah, now that our family’s growing, we’re looking for something big. Our current space is about 90% fireplace, which doesn’t really work for us.

Footage of Aelfgiva frantically beating flames out of the hem of her skirt while stirring a cauldron.

Aelfgiva:
And location is really important. We definitely have to have good schools for Hugh to learn to read and write and squire, and also a good view for Katherine to stare out of while she stays trapped at home and embroiders.

Brother Drew shows them through a beautiful castle.

Aelfgiva:
Wow, this has everything we want. Cathedral ceilings, stained glass, the extra-slim arrow loops—

Hugh:
Yeah, it’s perfect.

Brother Drew:
Well, that’s too bad, because this place is a little out of your price range. For this house, you’d have to bring six dozen men on horseback AND burn the nearest village to the ground. Also, the baron’s still living here.

Baron:
Oy! Get outta me ‘ouse!

The couple settles on a modest but promising motte-and-bailey affair.

Brother Jonathan:
So yeah, we’ll knock out all these walls, and get a nice cloister concept in the living space.

Aelfgiva:
I LOVE cloister concept.

Hugh:
Yeah, this will definitely open everything up.

Brother Jonathan:
And in the kitchens, I thought we could do a nice dirt floor with some rushes.

Aelfgiva:
So modern and fresh. I love it.

Exterior shot of the house. Chyron: 3 weeks to move-in.

Brother Jonathan:
I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?

Hugh:
Uh, the bad.

Brother Jonathan:
Unfortunately, the sledgehammer hasn’t been invented yet, so we’ll have to hire some yeoman to punch this wall into dust with their weathered fists.

Hugh:
Meaning?

Brother Jonathan:
Demo is going to cost a little more than we thought. Maybe another 10,000 ducats.

Chyron: Yeoman punching—10,000 ducats

Aelfgiva:
What even is a yeoman?

Hugh [ignoring her]:
What’s the good news?

Brother Jonathan:
I got us a great deal on poop to make into wattle and daub.

Hugh [confession cam]:
Brother Jonathan has a weird definition of “good.”

The repairs are made and Brother Jonathan has rolled up the sleeves of his habit to hang some of the finishing touches.

Aelfgiva:
Hey, Brother Jonathan.

Brother Jonathan:
I don’t like that look.

Aelfgiva:
Yeah, we definitely have a bit of a problem.

Brother Jonathan [exasperated]:
Lay it on me, my lady.

Aelfgiva:
Remember what I said about wall hangings?

Brother Jonathan looks at the wall, where a tapestry of a guy on horseback chasing a fox is dangling at a weird angle.

Brother Jonathan:
You said you didn’t want them.

Aelfgiva:
They just look so dated. My parents had tapestries in their bedchamber.

Brother Jonathan:
Okay, but here’s the thing, Aelfgiva. If you don’t put tapestries in here, the temperature will plunge to, uh…well, there isn’t really a way to measure or quantify it that I know of, but it’ll get really cold in here and your kids will freeze to death.

Hugh:
Wouldn’t be the first time.

Aelfgiva:
Well, then find some other way to keep it warm.

Brother Jonathan:
You mean another fireplace? You’ve already got six.

Aelfgiva:
If that’s what it takes.

Brother Jonathan:
That’s going to be another 5,000 ducats. Also, you can’t make this decision anyway, because you are a woman. Hugh, what do you say?

Chyron: State-of-the-art heating system: 5,000 ducats

Hugh:
As long as I can keep my ale cellar, I’ll do whatever it takes to make my wife happy. Or I’ll remarry, ha ha!

Aelfgiva:
Wouldn’t be the first time.

Brother Jonathan:
So…okay, I’m just going to put in the fireplace.

Dramatic wipe cut to the finished house. Hugh and Aelfgiva walk through, mouths open in delight.

Aelfgiva:
Wow, this space is incredible! It’s so unique.

Brother Drew:
I knew it had character. They really knew how to build ’em back before the French invaded, took over our properties, and made us use weird words for barnyard animals.

Hugh:
Hey, watch it, we’re fans of the French in this household.

Brother Jonathan:
Don’t I know it, Hugh.

He points to the wall, where he’s hung up a pennant-shaped tapestry with ROYAUME DE FRANCE woven into it, in team colors.

Brother Drew:
Speaking of sports, how do you like your hermit’s cave, Hugh?

Hugh:
It’s amazing. Great place to have a joint of meat with the guys, watch a little jousting, and get away from the marital yoke.

Brother Jonathan:
And Aelfgiva, you like the walk-in herb cellar?

Aelfgiva:
Yeah, it’s the perfect place to squeeze my morning belladonna into my eyes and smack lead powder onto my cheeks.

Brother Drew:
Hah, women, am I right?

Brother Jonathan:
How would you know? You’re a monk.

Brother Drew:
That’s what you think. [He fake-musses Brother Jonathan’s tonsure]

Brother Jonathan:
Okay, okay. So you’d say you guys are happy here?

Hugh and Aelfgiva:
Extremely happy. And the kids seem happy too!

Hugh Jr. and Katherine run around everyone’s ankles, whacking each other with wooden swords.

Hugh Jr.:
We’re playing Inquisition and she’s the heretic!

Brother Drew:
Another job well done, brother. Deo gratias.

Brother Jonathan:
Tune in next week for another episode of Property Brethren, where any man can become king of his own castle!

Brother Drew:
Except not really.

Brother Jonathan:
Okay okay. Where any man who is in the line of succession—

Brother Drew:
Or who’s willing to kill a few of his own nephews—

Both:
Can become king of his own castle!

They both bow reverently.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.